‘If you’re walking down the right path and you’re willing to keep walking, eventually you’ll make progress.’
– Barack Obama
i watch the airplanes take off and land
hoping one day it is as easy for me to spread my wings and fly away.
their lights are winking at me
as though they know something I do not
what do they know?
and how do i find out?
the wind blows through the windows of my car
as i stare off into nothingness hoping the answer to my problems finds me.
it ruffles my hair and tickles my neck
keeping me from falling asleep
but i’m so tired
tired of who i am
tired of the world.
i could travel the entire world
but i’d still be lost without you to show me what happiness is.
the world’s noise quietens when i’m with you
along with the noise in my head
you take it away
take me away
far from here.
there’s something nice about knowing
that home for me is not somewhere that you can see
but rather what you can feel
when everything else is gone
and nothing makes sense
but what is sense
because the feeling of insanity creeps up on me all too often
am i crazy for feeling and thinking the way that i do?
for wanting more than this materialistic society
more than just being a number
ignoring the hungry
forgetting the poor
killing the earth.
these airplanes fly oblivious overhead
untroubled and uncaring for the worries i have.
because airplanes won’t help you be free
they just carry your baggage elsewhere
where you unpack just the same
the same thoughts
the same feelings.
There are so many things that I want to say, and yet, most of the time, nothing comes from my mouth but a wry smile.
How am I meant to say the things I desperately want to, without revealing how incredibly broken I am?
I watch you all day, think about you, talk to you. And yet the things that I so desperately want to scream, are stuck inside my lungs, weighing me down like cement, instead of air.
I want you to look into my eyes and understand, so I don’t have to say the things I feel. I want you to hold my hand, until I don’t have a reason to let go. I want you to hold me together, because I feel like I’m falling apart.
I know you can see the flicker of what’s haunting me, behind my eyes. I know you can sense the things I don’t say.
Look closer. Believe me when I say I want to tell you. But understand me when I say I can’t.
Because my lungs are filled with cement.
And the more I gasp for air, the harder the cement sets. The heavier I feel. The harder it is to let the words escape.